So I've recently become single. After about four years. I'm not going into the details about why the relationship failed, but I'd like to think that I handled it with as much grace and dignity as possible (if you don't count the time I called him piss-drunk and told him I was sleeping in his t-shirt and begged him to come back). But I didn't key any cars. I didn't show up at his doorstep in the middle of the night. He's not taking out a restraining order. So all in all, I'd say I was a successful dumpee. I've pat myself on the back.
Let's be honest; being dumped sucks ass. Initially afterward, you get that gut-wrenching feeling that keeps you from being able to eat like a healthy person, so you lose weight and people comment on how good you look (not a terrible thing actually). Sleep is elusive and you have a talk with your brain about how important it is that you can get up in the morning. HAHA - yeah right! No sleep for you! - Brain. Mornings are the worst, as you dredge your sleep-deprived, depressed self out of bed, will one foot in front of the other and take a look in the mirror. Your face is tear-stained and you probably have sheet marks on your face. Your hair looks like a bird's nest from tossing and turning all night. You are probably hungover and your breath smells like hamster poop. You look pathetic. That jerk was right to leave; who is ever going to love this "thing" staring at you in the mirror? Sigh. You reluctantly turn on the shower to start your day when you'd rather punch yourself in the face.
After you are finally presentable, you race out the door because you are probably running late for work. Doing laundry has taken a backseat (from being drunk every night and surfing the internet obsessively), so your outfit might look as if it's come out of the hamper and you have bags under your eyes. You look and feel awesome and confident. You're gonna kick this day's ass.
Your next task is getting through the workday. After showing up a few minutes late to work, you're already wishing you could keep a bottle of liquor in your drawer. Normally, your boss considers you a top performer with your razor-sharp concentration, your put-together appearance, and your punctuality. Not anymore. Clearly, something has happened. Maybe you caught AIDS. If you're on g-chat (which most people are at work unless you're over 35), it's especially tough because you probably see your ex in your list of "friends" and reaching out to them is just a tiny, innocent click away that wouldn't count as contact (right?). But, you're good and you resist and you pat yourself on the back again. You're the best dumpee ever and you can't wait to tell your friends that you aren't a stalker.
Facebook is another daily challenge. You try and make it look as if you're having the time of your life and being dumped is the best thing that ever happened to your awesome self. You can't wait to tag yourself in all the awesome places you're out eating at with all the most awesome friends who are so cool. Your life online has suddenly made you the most awesome and fun-loving person and people probably think you don't even have time to crap with all the awesome fun you're having. Especially your ex. With every awesome update, you get smug thinking they're probably regretting dumping the most awesome person to ever happen to them.
Then comes night-time. You hope to God you have plans, because sitting at home sucks big time and you don't want to get drunk alone and think about your ex. But, this happens a lot anyway. After all, unfortunately for you, your friends have other lives outside of your breakup and can't hold your hand
every minute of every day. You put your unwashed sweat pants back on. You've worn them every night for a week. You smell-test a shirt off the floor and put that on too. Luckily, you had the motivation to stop by the gas-station and get a cheap bottle of white wine. This is an accomplishment, as it means you did something other than go to work.
every minute of every day. You put your unwashed sweat pants back on. You've worn them every night for a week. You smell-test a shirt off the floor and put that on too. Luckily, you had the motivation to stop by the gas-station and get a cheap bottle of white wine. This is an accomplishment, as it means you did something other than go to work.
Another positive thing is you have Bachelor Pad and Teen Mom on the DVR. Your night is about to fly by with entertainment. You also found some macaroni n' cheese. This makes you temporarily happy, as everyone knows that white wine goes with mac n' cheese. Does this make you sophisticated?
After your shows wrap up and you're starting to pass out from the cheap wine, you think - tomorrow is another day. Even though today was about as fun as sitting at the DMV sandwiched between two smelly illegals with a four-hour wait, you did it.
Look at you, still livin' n' shit.
